You’re SO OVER falling head-over-heels, only to be devastated a few weeks (or months!) later when they end things.
But you can’t help yourself! How do you stop?
I’m going to let you in on a little dating secret.
You can be head-over-heels CRAZY about someone without deciding to invest your time, your energy, or your emotions in them.
Let’s talk about INTEREST vs. INVESTMENT for a hot second.
I will never tell you to hold back your interest with the people you date.
Interest is why you’re dating people you like in the first place, and it’s what makes dating fun. If you like someone, like them! BE interested!
But — I DO recommend calibrating your level of INVESTMENT with the people you date; especially while you’re first getting to know them.
What’s our “investment”?
Well . . .
Those of us who find ourselves jumping headfirst into new experiences bring our enthusiasm and openness to relationships, which is one of our unique and beautiful strengths.
However, in our enthusiasm, we can tend to overlook how well we ACTUALLY KNOW the people we’re excited about.
We don’t know the people we date until we actually KNOW them.
Even when we have sparkling, magical, perspective-altering connections with magnetic strangers that thrill us to our toes — these connections aren’t complete knowledge of who a person is in their entirety.
These connections do not mean that we know who a person is in their daily life, who they are with their parents, what they’re like at work, what their goals and dreams are, if they want children, what they’re like when they get angry, or what they’re like as a long-term partner.
We don’t have these answers about new people because we CAN’T — these answers take time. Some answers take a few dates to tease out. Others take months. A few take years.
Much of the time, when we feel as though we “just know” someone we recently met (maybe we even feel as of we've known someone our whole lives!) — that feeling indicates a beautiful glimmer of potential.
It does not, and SHOULD not, however, determine the level of INVESTMENT that we make in that new connection.
Our level of investment in the new people who enter our lives needs to be determined based on who people reveal themselves to be — which is something that happens over time.
Over time, we choose to invest in people based on who they have shown themselves to be to us and for us — not on their potential.
This looks like investing in new people based on our assessment of how aligned these people are with our lives, our values, and our needs, as well as how much we perceive that these people are investing in US — not based on how strongly we feel about our connection with them.
This distinction is the difference between compatibility and chemistry.
Compatibility, rather than chemistry, is what research has shown to be the basis for relationships that not only last, but continue to be fulfilling over time.
If most of your past relationships have seemed to either spontaneously combust or die a slow, withering, painful death, you have likely been over-investing in your relationships based on chemistry, rather than getting to know somebody's potential for compatibility over time.
Our first step toward building the kinds of healthy and safe relationships that continue to feel fulfilling over time is learning to discern the difference between feeling that initial "spark" of connection and the factors that determine true, lasting compatibility.
As always, our ability to create the results we crave in our external reality begins with examining our internal reality first — our knowledge, our patterns, and our willingness to try something new when the old isn't working.
What we didn't know in the past isn't our fault. But what we learn to do differently in our future is our responsibility.
Our willingness to learn, to try new things, and ultimately, to grow, is how we begin to carve out a new, fulfilling, empowered reality out of ourselves, our relationships, and our lives.
PS. Learning how to recognise compatibility is THE WORK I will be doing with my clients inside of my group coaching program, Date Like a PhD.
Date Like a PhD is my 3 month coaching program designed to take you through my signature dating science-based strategy process so you can feel confident, powerful, and effective during the dating process and create healthy relationships.
If you're ready to make the shift to choosing healthy relationships from a space of confidence and personal power, click here to learn more about the program and to apply to join us.